Maurice Rocks...

Dear Attention Republicans

I'm an 86 year old transvestite from Hull. My girlfirend is 14 and we are engaged to be married this September. Her mother shares the same clothes as me and this arrangement has always worked really well.

Recently though her father who is also my son from my previous marriage to his sister bumped into me at church when I was dressed as Julie Goodyear. Now he says that unless I start dressing as a more contemporary soap star that the marriage is off and he will have me blacklisted at the Legion.

I really don't know what to do - I can live without the Legion, they never really got on with my slingback sundays and there's always the under 12's roller disco which I find to be much more happening. I'm worried that my girlfriend will ditch me though - she's a really big fan of Coronation Street circa 1980 and has told me on several occassions that if she ever catches me cross dressing as a more upto date soap star that she will give me the elbow.

I really don't need this trouble at the moment, what with the court case coming up about interfering with my sisters dog and all that.

What should I do? Risk it and rustle up a Dot Cotton ensemble? Tell her brother to go and soapy? Hang around the roller disco a bit? Give the dog another bone?

Please help me, I'm at my wits end.

Sir Maurice Frocks, OBE

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